If you’ve read some of my previous blogs, you already know I’m the parent of two children on the Autism Spectrum and two “typical” children. This topic is very personal to me as I’ve felt the sting of public criticism many times, especially when my children were younger. What prompted me to write about this topic is that it is nearly universally shared among parents with children with special-needs. I have attended support groups for parents and also have many friends who have children with special-needs and this topic almost always surfaces. Many members of the public choose to comment about our children whether their disability is “invisible” (such as autism) or “visible” (such as a child in a wheelchair).

Please allow me to share a little more about my own experiences. When my son was a pre-schooler, he was truly unable to be still. He is very much a sensory-seeker and was extremely challenging in public. My greatest fear was that he would run off. He had to open and close every door and flip every light switch. A few years later, my third child, a daughter, was diagnosed with classic autism. She would scream in stores. I now understand that the fluorescent lighting and intercom noise was more sensory input than she could handle. As you can well imagine, these kinds of incidents occasionally earned me some criticism from the public. Since autism is an “invisible” disability, most were comments about my poor parenting skills.

Parents of children with more “visible” disabilities are not immune to public comments, however. My good friend Anne* has a son with a genetic disorder that causes him to have very limited mobility and speech. The question she gets most often in public is “what’s wrong with him?” Ouch.

Even back in bible times, people were quick to judge a person with a disability. The disciples encountered a blind man and asked “who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” (John 9:3) Many people today still wrongly believe parents are at fault when a child has a disability.

Criticism of any kind is hard to take, and most of us have some fear of being perceived negatively. So how do we handle it when we receive criticism in public? You have some choices about how to respond.

1. Ignore the critic. Calmly collect your child and walk away. Take deep breaths.
2. Tell the critic: “Thanks for your concern, and I am tending to my child.” You do not owe the person any further explanation.
3. If you are comfortable, respectfully tell the critic about your child’s diagnosis. Hopefully, this spreads awareness and builds compassion for “special” families.
4. If you are uncomfortable speaking to the critic or it’s inconvenient to stop and talk, you can have a card or paper on hand to give out. I purchased and used this card from TACA when my daughter was young. I often received a positive response from the person I gave it to. If you can’t find one that best explains your child’s disability, you can write and print one of your own.

Parents of children with special-needs are especially at-risk for depression and anxiety. I urge you to be aware of your feelings and speak to a doctor, psychologist, or other professional if you’re having trouble coping. Raising your child is a blessing but also a lot of hard work. I encourage you to join a support group in your area, such as a Meet Up .

*for confidentiality, Anne is not her real name.

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Are you a parent who is awaiting a frightening diagnosis for your child? Or have you just received that diagnosis and you are reeling? This is a time of life that few of us expect to encounter, but many of us do. It can be one of the most stressful, confusing times for a parent. Some common concerns include:

• How will I figure out which therapies are best for my child?
• Is there school assistance available and how do I apply?
• How will we pay for much-needed therapies and related expenses?
• Will I be able to keep my current job and still care for my child/children?

When you combine all these issues on top of an already-hectic lifestyle, remembering that you also have a spouse, other children, and a household to run, this can lead to a mental breakdown. As a parent who has gone through the diagnosis process with a child not once, but twice, I would like to share some tips that worked for me. This is by no means an exhaustive list and I urge you to consider your unique needs during this process.

1 – Take some time to acknowledge your emotions. It is perfectly ok to grieve. It is also perfectly ok to have other kinds of feelings. In these early days, take a moment each day to do something to help you process your emotions: call a relative or friend who will listen, write in a journal, exercise, garden, knit, etc. It’s important to carve out a few moments for yourself, even though it’s hard to do so.

2 –  Look online for resources that may provide some help and clarity. If your child is diagnosed with autism, I recommend the 100 Day Kit from the Autism Speaks website. If you’ve received a Downs Syndrome Diagnosis, check out the New and Expectant Parents Section of the National Downs Syndrome Society website. There are many other diagnoses, so use a search engine to locate a group or society regarding your diagnosis.

3 – Focus your energies on what you can do now. Try to avoid regretting something in the past (“why didn’t I recognize his symptoms sooner?”) or worrying about the future (“will she ever be able to live independently?”). Only spend time and energy on what you can control today (“I will call an Occupational Therapy practice and find out how to get an assessment for my child.”)

4 – Ask for help. Other people can’t read your mind, not even your spouse or your best friend. You are not weak if you ask for help, you are wise. Find support groups, extra caregivers, a counselor, whatever you need to help you stay sane.

5 – Make some time to tend to your marriage or relationship with your partner. Divorce rates are higher among parents of special-needs children, though they are not at 80%, as the media once reported. If you can train and hire a sitter or family member to watch your children, then go on a date night. If that’s just not possible right now, plan a special dinner after the kids are in bed. For more tips on caring for your marriage, read this helpful article from the Washington Post.

6 – Do some “normal” things as a family. It’s easy to get caught up in all the therapy and doctor’s appointments. Sometimes it’s hard to take a special-needs child on an outing. But it’s worth it. Make the effort to build some family memories together, even if everything is not perfect. Visit parks, farms, zoos, or child-friendly museums together.

Parents need to remember to consider their own mental health during stressful seasons of life. Please contact your physician if you suspect you are depressed or not coping well. Receiving a difficult diagnosis for a child can be devastating, so take care of yourself as you adjust to your new family routine.

The post Surviving the Diagnosis: 6 Coping Strategies for Parents appeared first on All About Therapy, PLLC.